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PABOYA has become one of my most frequently used Korean phrase... on myself. It literally means stupid, cos I'm so bad at making decisions I ended up making the worst decisions all the time. Time never gets a chance to make a U-turn, so I had to calm myself down every time and tell myself: No. It's not that bad.

I am writing this post for myself, as a full-time self-reminder for the future. I learned these from the decisions made in the past week, and unfortunately all of the decisions made are wrong as I look back right now. I apologize for making you read a piece of monologue as I persuade myself to overcome this negativity.

I wonder what the heck am I doing my whole life. Being grateful for waking up every morning and being able to talk to people to tell that I've not yet evaporate from this space. Then I slowly realized the effects of having a poor heart. That not being rich kind of poor. This poverty of heart blinds you by not letting you see the good things offered by a higher price. This led to the misjudgments and wrong analyses at critical moments.

At times like this, wake yourself up. Give yourself a good slap.
Trust the irrational motto by someone you know: The more expensive something is, the better it is.

That's how you will unearth the positives masked by the price tag.

And really, why regret decisions? They can never be unchanged! (Well, not really, most could be changed under huge sacrifices)

Ugh I'm recalling what I did and am starting to experience the blues again...

Don't look back at mistakes. Look forward. Mistakes cannot be undone, but they can be repaired to minimize the damage. If minimizing doesn't work, try to build something on top of it, so the mistake could be a beautiful one. Mourning over a mistake does nothing but amplifying the sadness, which is simply a waste of energy and time. Don't let negativity consume you, beat it and let optimistic thoughts power your body to continue living! We all need some kind of motivation to push ourselves to be braver. Try harder and harder. Believe in yourself that you can overcome it even if it seemed impossible. Embrace these challenges as they make you stronger (oh gosh I'm starting to sound like a personal trainer), think about the future. It's all the mistakes that make your roots deeper so you could be more resilient. Mistakes were meant to teach you things you never knew without breaking the rules. At least you've learned how you could handle such situations in the future. They are like cruel teachers that don't give a single f**k of how you feel but insisted on teaching you a lesson. They are the worst teachers, but yes it is a life course one must take. I fell so many times that I know I had to be extra careful walking, but I also knew that it is inevitable to fall sometimes that I forgive myself for falling. You become numb from all the damages. Learning to feel and unfeel, and let go of the feeling is one of the highest mental level imo, probably only achieved by the saints.

All right, I am no saint, and I make mistakes.
As long as you learned something from the mistake, your mistake isn't that wrong.
If the cost of the mistake isn't that big, smile and go ahead of it. Forget about it.
Don't lose hope on your life. The Earth doesn't stop moving for you.
Be grateful that you are loved. Believe that the love can give you the power to live.

It's 12:31 am, time to go to bed.
Thanks for reading. These are really sincere and personal messages I've been telling myself since the start of the post. I didn't expect it to accumulate to such a lengthy post, but yeah I really needed that much to push myself forward.

Good night!
W